You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
