he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
