I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
