that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
