She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
