threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
