I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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