I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
