a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
