Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
