Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
