I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
