im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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