I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
