gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
