im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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