So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
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My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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