she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
