I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
