Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
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He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Dear god my vagina.
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