Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
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I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
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She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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