My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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