So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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