Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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