On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Randomize
