Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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