Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
