At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
