what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
