I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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