Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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