Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
