I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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