It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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