I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Randomize
