Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
