I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
