Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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