Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
