I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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