There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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