Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Vodka?
Forever.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
