I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
