I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
