Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
