So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
