i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
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