i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
