Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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