last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
