i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
