Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
